'S.T.O.P. Then SEND' Advises Parents on Cyber-bullying, Sexting, Social Networking Sites

The world is very different now. 

When today’s middle-aged parents were children, they were often told not to talk to strangers when they went outside to play. Today, that "stranger" is not necessarily sitting on a park bench or hanging out on a street corner. He may well be a 50-year-old pedophile trolling the Internet day and night, lurking in chat rooms, posing as a 17-year-old looking to “befriend” your lonely 13-year-old daughter.

That scenario was among the haunting images conveyed at Wednesday night’s “S.T.O.P. Then SEND” program at Garden City High School. The program, brought to you by the office of Nassau County District Attorney Kathleen Rice with support from Garden City schools, the PTA and the Garden City Community Coalition, is intended to educate students and their parents about the dangers of cyber-bullying, the Internet and social networking sites.

The acronym S.T.O.P. stands for “Study the content,” “Think about others,” “Only send if appropriate” and “Pictures are forever.”

Assistant District Attorney Anne Donnelly, deputy chief of technology crimes for the DA’s office, gave a presentation that included statistics as well as video and audio from victims, who, fortunately, are around to speak about it.

“The Internet is growing so quickly and coming into our children’s lives earlier than ever,” Donnelly said.

During the 90-minute program, which included questions and answers from the sparse gathering, Donnelly provided a detailed and disturbing account of today’s viral world.

She didn’t mince words.

Cyber-bullying

When today’s older parents were growing up, bullying usually existed out in the open, manifesting in a fight or skirmish at school. Today’s bullying often takes place in cyberspace. “It goes to the entire school population of 1,200 students,” Donnelly said. Cyber-bullying rears its ugly viral head in many ways, from spreading rumors to impersonating others on the computer.

Donnelly listed the names of four young people – ranging in age from 13 to 18 – who committed suicide, pushed over the edge by cyber-bullying that included vicious online taunts, even after the individual was dead.

The DA's office provided a list of Dos and Don'ts when it comes to cyber-bullying:

If you have been a victim of cyber-bullying:

• DO NOT seek revenge
• DO NOT avoid friends
• DO NOT blame yourself
• DO NOT cyber-bully that person or anyone else

• DO block communication
• DO talk to a friend about the bullying
• DO report the problem to a website moderator or Internet service provider
• DO tell a responsible adult
• DO save the audience

Sexting

Donnelly, who is a parent herself, had a message for all parents: “Our middle school-aged kids are involved in sexting.” She adds, “Sexting has become the biggest thing.”

Donnelly quoted data from a poll showing that 81 percent of those involved in sexting “think it is funny” and 18.6 percent think “the victim deserved it.”

The online world can feel anonymous, and kids sometimes forget that they are still accountable for their actions. A 14-year-old girl who e-mails an inappropriate photo of herself to her 15-year-old boyfriend may think it is harmless fun, a way of flirting. But there are serious consequences for both parties, from the dissemination of the photos to the downloading and possible distribution. Donnelly said the name of that 14-year-old will go into a databank of sex offenders. This was a true case involving a Nassau County girl.

“She just wants to get the photo back. It was heartbreaking,” Donnelly said. "She never will get that photo back. We can’t get it back. Once it is out there, it is out there. Pictures are forever.”

If you are convicted of child pornography – even if you are an immature teenager who didn’t mean harm – your name is on record for 20 years. “This law wasn’t designed for a 17-year-old with naked photos of a 15-year-old, it was intended for the 45-year-old trying to get the 13-year-old,” Donnelly said.

Donnelly adds that ignorance of technology is no excuse for parents not to take charge of their child's Internet activity. “I hear parents say, ‘But I don’t know how to check it.’ Would you give your 14-year-old the keys to your car without her first going through driver’s education? The same goes here,” she said.

Social Networking

“My goal is to ruin Facebook,” Donnelly said. “I want the founder of Facebook to come to my house and say ‘you are ruining me.’”

Indeed, Donnelly saved her sharpest criticism for social networking sites like Facebook and MySpace.

She said kids, primarily in the vulnerable 12 to 14 age group, use Facebook thinking it is a safe and secure environment. It is anything but, Donnelly said. “I dislike the term ‘Facebook friend. If you haven’t had a cheeseburger or a Coke with this person, that person is not your friend. You don’t know who you are talking to,” she said.

Even adults make mistakes on social networking sites, for example, leaving their status for all their "friends" to see. Donnelly showed a video of a couple that left a detailed note on their Facebook page regarding their evening plans. While they were out for the evening, a “Facebook friend” – who turned out to be an individual the woman had not seen or heard from in 15 years – burglarized their home.

It is important for parents to encourage children to think about the language they use online, and to think about posting pictures and videos. Employers, college and high school admissions officers, coaches, teachers and the police may be viewing your child's posts.

Donnelly relayed that Sacred Heart Academy in Hempstead received 2,500 applications for 200 available openings for its freshmen class last fall. However, scores of applicants were eliminated from consideration because they were found to have Facebook pages, but were not yet 13 years old. No child under 13 is permitted to register for Facebook.

“At 13, 14 years of age, kids cannot stop their curiosity, but there are bad people out there trying to get to our young people,” Donnelly said.

In the end, she put the onus on the adult. “You’re the parent here, you need to step in,” she said.

She suggested parents place the child’s computer in an open, public area where the parent can monitor the activity.

If all else fails? “Unplug the computer,” Donnelly said.