Parent Sense: Stress in Toddlers

This past July, my (Rebecca) son Walter (almost 3 years old at the time) began stuttering. I took him to our pediatrician who said that children at this age sometimes develop a stutter because they are thinking of so many things at once and they cannot get the words out fast enough. She said to come back if the stuttering did not improve, or got much worse, in the next few weeks.

I left feeling a bit better but knowing in my heart that there was more to it… I couldn't shake the feeling that I was (in some way) to blame.  Needless to say, she was right. In about a week or so the stuttering had become less prominent.

Then in late September Walter started to stutter again and this time he reverted back to pooping in his pants (after being potty trained). James (my husband) and I were worried. We started dissecting what might be stressing this little boy. He just started preschool a few weeks earlier, but he loves his teachers. He will be turning 3 in a few days, and is excitedly counting down the days. He just started a new session of violin lessons.

Whoa, put on the brakes! Wasn't it back in July that the previous session of violin lessons began and lasted two weeks until the instructor went away for over a month? Once the lessons resumed in late September, Walter is stuttering, again. Hmm, I think we need to investigate, but how do we do this without leading the conversation in a particular direction or putting ideas in his head?

That night at dinner I began by asking Walter and Bella (his twin sister) questions.

Mommy: "Bella, what makes you happy about school?"

Bella: "My teacher."

Mommy: "Walter, what makes you happy about school?"

Walter: "The blue bike."

Mommy: "Walter, what makes you sad about school?"

Walter: "Paint on my arm."

Mommy: "Bella, what makes you sad about school?"

Bella: "Mommy leaves."

Mommy:" Bella, what makes you happy about violin lessons?"

Bella: "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star."

Mommy:" Walter, what makes you happy about violin lessons?"

Walter: "Rocket Up and Rocket Down."

Mommy:" Walter, what makes you sad about violin lessons?"

Walter: "The teacher not nice."

Mommy: "Bella, what makes you sad about violin lessons?"

Bella: "Teacher says no."

I went on to ask a few more questions on other subjects in this fashion. Walter had never outwardly expressed his dislike for the violin class or his teacher. This was the first time I had thought to ask a direct question and was surprised by their responses.

I began to wonder what Walter might have been thinking about his violin lessons. Maybe something like: "My mom and dad are taking me to this place where I am expected to behave for fifteen whole minutes in a way that I have never had to do before, this person they call teacher is telling me what to do, not move my feet, how I have to  hold this thing they call a violin, telling me not to wiggle, telling me not to touch the funny stick to the strings (when all I want to do is make the fun sounds), where to look, where not to look, Mommy is making that mad face and so is the teacher, I just want to get out of here!"

My husband and I talked that night and made our decision. The next day there happened to be a violin lesson. In the morning after breakfast I asked Walter if he wanted to go to the violin lesson. He said, "No, the teacher is not nice." I said okay you do not have to go. I then asked Bella. She said, "Yes, I want to go." I said, "Okay Walter honey, you will stay home with Shay (our sitter) and Bella you will go to the lesson." Walter smiled but seemed a little puzzled and the two went on to play.

That afternoon, when Bella and I were leaving, Walter said he wanted to go but that he wanted to sit in the room with Shay and not do the lesson. I said I understood, but that he could only go if he were to do his lesson. He said "no" and went with Shay to play outside. I left with Bella but forgot to take the violin, ugh. So the teacher said we could come back the next day for the lesson.

The next afternoon, when leaving for the lesson, Walter stood at our front door crying that he wanted to go too. I simply stated that he would have to do the lesson and he said, yes, he wanted to. I was surprised. I questioned him again and he was pleading with me to go. I went into another room to call the teacher ahead of time to explain the situation. She was happy to relax the class to suit his need for a less structured lesson. He went and it was the first time he seemed to enjoy the lesson. He was beaming while telling James about it that night at dinner.

As if by magic, that same afternoon he started to only poop on the potty and the stuttering once again decreased over a couple of weeks. Now, we only see slight stuttering when he is stressed or tired, but it never lasts.

I asked D. Lani McElgun, M.A., LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist from Garden City Marriage & Family Therapy, what she thought of this situation.

Here's what she said: "I agree that it is important for children to learn to use their words, otherwise you are right symptoms may develop if they are not able to express themselves, it's the only way they know. I would continue to ask about the violin lessons without using words like 'what makes you sad?' which indicates perhaps something might in fact be sad, too leading, something to avoid. One stress reducer we use in therapy would be for each family member to choose a vowel sound: a, e, o and all at once each take a deep breath and sound out the vowel sound they choose as long as you can. For example, someone might choose 'a' and say 'aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa' for as long as they can. It practices taking deep breaths to relax and it is also a lot of fun for the family to practice together; everyone ends up giggling over the process."

I am happy that in this case my husband and I could step back and try to understand what could be affecting Walter. This 3 year old seemed to be unintentionally expressing how stressed he was through his body language. Once we told him he did not have to go he seemed to relax. He has now been going to lessons for over a month and things are going fine. My husband and I let it be his decision. We do not tell him that we are proud that he is going. We ask him how he feels. He says, "I like it."

If you have questions about this topic or any other, contact us at parentsense@theparentsense.com or visit www.theparentsense.com.

(Editor's Note: Garden City residents Rebecca Kammerer and Beth Karcher, both moms of twins, are co-founders of Parent Sense, Inc. Using their "back-to-basics, functional approach" to parenting, they will answer residents' questions about the many challenges of parenting in this new monthly column. The opinions in this article are those of Parent Sense, Inc. The opinions are not medical advice. Always consult your pediatrician about any changes you are contemplating.)